One Sunday after church Mom asked very young daughter
what the lesson was about. Daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll
get your quilts". Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day,
Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming".
Now it made sense.
A woman approached the minister after the sermon, and thanked him for his discourse. "I found it so helpful," she said.
The minister replied: "I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach."
"Why, what do you mean?" asked the astonished woman.
"Well," said the minister, "that sermon lasted you three
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal
clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
When a church seeks a pastor, they want the strength of
an eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a dove, the friendliness
of a sparrow, and the night hours of an owl. And when they catch that
bird, they expect the pastor to live on the food of a canary.
The minister had a special filing drawer for his bills.
It was labeled: "Due unto others."
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible... Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
"The Lord is my shepherd...and that's all I need to know!"
A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection
plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket
and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his
shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in
the plate and passed it on, admiring that the man was being generous.
Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper:
A 5 year old boy was sitting down to eat when his mother
asked him to pray for his meal. He replied, "Mom we don't have to. We
prayed over this last night." His mother had prepared leftovers from
the day before.
Pastor's Announcement Before Offering: "I would like to
remind you that what you are about to give is deductible, cannot be
taken with you and is considered in the Bible that the love of this
is the root of all evil."
A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?"
The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail."
This was a notice to inform the congregation about a PANTRY PARTY for the pastor:
"Due to the fact that this is Pastor Appreciation month, we will be having a Pastor Appreciation Party down at the white building on October 31, 1999. Please bring a panty item so that we can build up Pastor's Y2K panty for him and Edna. This is a surprise, so please do not tell him. Sandwiches, cider and donuts will be served. Please come and show the Pastor how much you support and appreciate him. We look forward to seeing you then."
Debra Roberts, Mansfield, Ohio
An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat.
"Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"
The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one.
Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister,
Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank
God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit
salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence,
the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God
for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am,
I'm glad it's done too!!"
There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and
announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good
news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The
bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution:
Do not step on exhaust."
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle ... And He just then did!"