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I celebrated Thanksgiving in the traditional way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house; we had an enormous feast. And then I killed them and took their land. - Jon Stewart

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. - George Carlin

You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, "Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave. - Dylan Brody


Who does not thank for little, will not thank for much. - Estonian proverb

It wasn't easy telling my family that I'm gay. I made my carefully worded announcement at Thanksgiving. It was very Norman Rockwell. I said, "Mom, would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual?" She passed it to my father. A terrible scene followed. - Bob Smith

How wonderful it would be if we could help our children and grandchildren to learn thanksgiving at an early age. Thanksgiving opens the doors. It changes a child’s personality. A child is resentful, negative—or thankful. Thankful children want to give, they radiate happiness, they draw people. - Sir John Templeton


What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
- Erma Bombeck

When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat. - David Letterman

Best of all is it to preserve everything in a pure, still heart, and let there be for every pulse a thanksgiving, and for every breath a song. - Konrad von Gesner


Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England”. - Jay Leno

There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train. - David Letterman

*It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
- Phyllis Diller


Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving. - WT Purkiser

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. - Erma Bombeck

This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don't have to sit at the card table. - Jim Samuels